grateful. birthday

my mom, my sis, and some people around me used to say that i am not grateful for what i have. always. say dat.

like when i knew that im coming to vandy, when i got the phone call, im not that thrilled, yeah like for sure when i got da call in the morning, i was pretty excited to the extend of me callin popo directly after dat, and even cryin. haha.. but after that, i dun feel anything. it was just the excitement over the first phone call.

i only get excited over small things like going shopping (like seriously who doesn't kan?!) haha..

well, i thought about this a lot, and maybe because i was satisfied enough to get UM before the vandy offer. ive planned a lot already, i planned that studying in UM would be awesome because i could meet my friends, because most of them are studying there, in various Us still. but it doesnt matter.

and also recently. my exam grade. it was improving from the first to the second one. but comparing myself to my friend who scored much better, i became sad. my mark was like the average of the class, which was pretty high compared to the ones during spring. yet when my friends scored even better than me, i became envious, and i kept questioning myself. i studied the real way now, putting aside things that might distract me. so that's why i got pretty devastated over my mark.

then, i cried. i talked to my sis. and she said that some things need hard work in order to achieve it. and i was like, isn't my work hard enough? and i got pretty emotional for a couple of hours, i guess. then i calmed myself and thought about this matter over again (muhasabah). muhasabah really helps me to judge myself better. its a good thing, i like it. it helps me in becoming a better person, i believe.

and i thought back, from the first to the second exam, i have aims. like i wanted to do less mistakes in these sections. and judging from the exam, i did did well in these sections, means my aim is accomplished (dunno the right word. >.<) and also i thought that my mistake is clumsiness. and for the fact that i came 20 mins late, haha, fortunately phillips doesn't really mind, in fact, he gave us all additional an hour to stay if the 2 hours were not sufficient.

so i thought that. maybe i might be slow in catching up things, but my aims are accomplished, and maybe i might be one of the those that might work extra hard than others. or God might be testing me. yeah i might be irrational or devastated over it for certain period of time, but remember, muhasabah can help you to look over things fairly and dunno, clear out your view about things.

haha, just a reminder to myself.

oh finally, i guessed, i managed to remember my family members' birthdays. haha. yeah i know people said that how could you not remember these people's birthdays. i was like taken aback a bit, but, i don't know. im not interested in remembering this numbers. even i dont remember phone numbers. when i had my handphone, i just used the speed dial, its much more convenient and easier. haha. besides,celebrating birthday is just. a bit sad for me. maybe because of her? i think so too, yes because of her. don't bother to know. haha. >.<

abah : 4/1 (april fool, i remembered this pretty easily!)

mak : i believe. 8/13. i'll reconfirm later! oh bad haniiiiiii.

long : 4/23

ajat : 4/26 (see? 3 people in a month!)

emir : 7/18

i believe. faidhi has the same birthday like my mom's. oh, i need sumthin or sumoneeeeee to remind me my friends' birthdays la. haha.

but sometimes. i dunno. for me its kinda weird for people that are not too close with this person, is super excited about his or her birthday. yeah i noe people are saying then that is a good thing la kan. haha, but i just think that its weird. and especially in fb for example, its sumone's bday, and u dun even noe dat person well. and since people are commenting sayin happy bday. somehow you just have the feeling of needing to wish too. haha, and also the bday guy/girl will reply their comments. nah, for me la, i think such 'obligation' (well it is for me) is too tiring.

people surely will say im evil or weird or whatever. haha. but dunno la. just wanna express what i feel la. accept it or not. this is. me. and maybe it will change. or not. people changes eventually you know. lol.